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Thursday, Mar 28, 2024

On the Road to the End of the World

The end of life on Earth as we know it is coming. No, it’s not the finality of an asteroid falling on Washington, D.C. (although there are some who would see an upside to that), the gradual erosion of the planet due to global warming, or the fulfilled prophecy of one of those doom-and-gloom preachers. It’s the result of the insidious actions of a mysterious cabal. The culprit is… Caltrans. Yes, according to the media, elected officials, and the bureaucrats who really run things, our Valley will come to a screeching halt the weekend of July 15-18, when the San Diego Freeway is closed for 53 straight hours. (Not that it will be easy to tell the difference between a complete closure and the degree of movement on the 405 any weekday between 4 and 7 p.m.) Supervisor Zev Yaroslavsky has warned that we should “Stay the heck out of here.” Not to be outdone, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, he of that ever-present gleaming smile, reassured us with his positive attitude: “It will be an absolute nightmare.” One wonders if Gaspar de Portola, with his 54 Spaniards and 100 mules, trudging through the Sepulveda Pass on the afternoon of August 5, 1769, thought to himself, “What if they built a freeway through here, everyone became used to using it, and then they shut it down. Wouldn’t that be a fine mess?!” Of course, he thought that in Spanish. Of course, it doesn’t have to be a mess. During the 1984 Olympics, “the Miracle of the Freeways” took place. We were informed that the entire City of the Angels would become gridlocked. But by staggering work shifts, banning trucks from freeways during rush hour, and a few other tricks of the transportation trade, we reduced traffic by about 7 percent – leaving the freeways clear throughout the Games. By pure happenstance, it was exactly 50 years ago, that the 405 opened. Its most famous moment was, no doubt, the O.J. Simpson slowmo car chase. And sadly, several years ago, Mikhail Markhasev shot and killed Bill Cosby’s son Ennis at the Mulholland offramp. One-half million people use the 405 on a typical summer weekend. There is no truth to the rumor that the San Diego Freeway is the only man-made structure that can be seen from the moon by the naked eye. Here’s the good news related to the whole 10-mile widening project, as Caltrans sees it: “This project is expected to create 18,000 jobs during construction. Once built, the improvements will ease congestion, increase mobility by moving twice as many people as a regular use lane, decrease commute times for all drivers, enhance safety, reduce air pollution and promote ridesharing.” Oh yes, and it will cost $1.34 billion. But for those who still harbor concerns, as a public service, we offer the following agenda for the July 15-18 weekend in our Valley: Friday evening, drive out to Roscoe and the 405 and let the pungent odor of malts, hops, and whatever else they put in Bud Lite assail your nostrils. Don’t forget to spend a nostalgic moment in memory of the late, lamented Busch Gardens and the days (before being acquired by a Dutch company) when Budweiser was a significant contributor to the community. Saturday morning, take a leisurely stroll through south of Ventura Boulevard neighborhoods, counting the number of inappropriately large mansions adorning postage-size lots. Try topping the monstrosity at the corner of Hayvenhurst Avenue and Adlon Road, south of The Boulevard, where a reality show is being filmed for the television enjoyment of the culturally and aesthetically elite. Unfortunately, on Saturday night, you can’t attend a performance at the new Valley Performing Arts Center since it’s dark; however, you can take your pedometer to determine how far away you’ll have to park for a future performance. Sunday morning, it’s off to brunch at the Sagebrush Cantina, where you are urged to bring a biker, or two, home for dinner. Afterwards, drop by the beautiful new Vons Pavilions in Woodland Hills, somehow in marked demographic contrast to the 99 Cents Only store right next door. And Sunday evening, enjoy a few margaritas at Casa Vega, playing that popular parlor game, “So How Many Mexican Restaurants ARE there in the Valley?” While you’re planning your weekend, here are a few Valley museums you may not have heard of: Andres Pico Adobe, the Ararat-Eskijian Museum, the Burbank Aviation Museum, the Nethercutt Collection and Museum, and the Bolton Hall Museum. Of course, you could always spend the weekend at home. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. – Noelie Altito Martin Cooper, President of Cooper Communications, Inc., is Immediate Past President of the Los Angeles Quality and Productivity Commission; Founding President of The Executives; Vice Chairman of the Boys & Girls Club of the West Valley.

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